How to Tell Your Partner You Don’t Want to Be Monogamous

This conversation can be hard to have, so it's best to approach it seriously.

1. Reflect on Your Feelings

Before broaching the topic, take some time to reflect on your feelings and motivations. Ask yourself:

• Why do you want to pursue a non-monogamous relationship?

• What does non-monogamy mean to you?

• Are you looking for casual flings, open relationships, or polyamory?

Understanding your desires will help you communicate them more clearly. This self-awareness will also show your partner that you’ve thought this through, which can ease some of their potential concerns.

2. Choose the Right Time and Place

Timing and environment matter significantly when discussing sensitive topics. Opt for a private, relaxed setting where both of you feel comfortable. Avoid bringing it up during stressful moments or when your partner is preoccupied. Aim for a time when you can have an open, uninterrupted conversation.

3. Be Honest and Direct

When you start the conversation, be honest about your feelings. Use “I” statements to express your thoughts without sounding accusatory or confrontational. For example, say:

• “I’ve been thinking about our relationship and what I want.”

• “I feel like I might be happier exploring non-monogamy.”

This approach personalizes your feelings and helps your partner understand that it’s about your desires rather than any shortcomings in the current relationship.

4. Explain Your Reasons

Help your partner understand your motivations. Whether it’s a desire for exploration, the thrill of variety, or simply wanting to connect with multiple people, sharing your reasons can demystify your desires. You might say:

• “I love you, but I feel that being non-monogamous would allow me to explore other connections.”

• “I believe non-monogamy could help us grow individually while still being together.”

This part of the conversation can help clarify that your feelings for them aren’t diminishing but evolving.

5. Prepare for a Range of Reactions

Your partner may respond in various ways, from curiosity to shock or hurt. Be prepared for an emotional response, and give them space to process their feelings. Avoid getting defensive; instead, listen actively to their concerns. You might hear:

• “I didn’t know you felt this way.”

• “Does this mean you don’t love me?”

Reassure them of your feelings, and be patient as they work through their emotions.

6. Discuss Boundaries and Expectations

If your partner is open to the idea of non-monogamy, it’s crucial to discuss boundaries and expectations. Talk about what non-monogamy will look like for both of you. Questions to consider include:

• How will you communicate about other partners?

• Are there any rules or limits regarding sexual or emotional intimacy with others?

• How will you ensure that both partners’ needs are met?

Setting clear guidelines can help build trust and reduce anxiety about the transition.

7. Offer Resources and Support

If your partner is uncertain about non-monogamy, consider providing resources that can help them understand it better. Books, articles, or podcasts on non-monogamous relationships can provide insight and reassurance. Offer to explore this together, which can create a sense of partnership rather than division.

8. Be Prepared for Different Outcomes

Understand that your partner may not be open to non-monogamy, and that’s okay. They might need time to think, or they might decide that they prefer to remain monogamous. Be prepared for various outcomes, and recognize that it’s essential to respect their feelings and choices.

If the discussion doesn’t lead to the desired outcome, it’s important to evaluate your relationship's future. You might find that you need to part ways, or you may discover ways to compromise that work for both of you.